Friday, October 16, 2009

The Purple Chris Diet

Forget about Awburgers and Wootbeer, folks, we have something more awesome for you! And by "more awesome," of course, I mean "more recommended by Purple Chris." Today I am writing to introduce to you all a new and rather odd interesting diet. This diet has four simple rules to it. Four simple rules that you absolutely must obey, word for word. If you don't maybe it will work and maybe it won't, who knows? In any case, Purple Chris does not vouch for it.

Rule Number 1:
Eat at least two cheeseburgers a week. No, not hamburgers, it's gotta be cheeseburgers. No, there are no substitutions available if you can't eat dairy. Maybe you could buy pills from Walmart that make you able to digest dairy, good luck with that. Cheeseburgers, that's right, and I don't mean MacDonalds "cheeseburgers" either. I'm talking about REAL cheeseburgers, like Nations or perhaps even In&Out.

Rule One

Rule Number 2:
Drink at least two cans/bottles of Pepsi each day. Again, the wording is intentional. It's not two "sodas" it's two Pepsis. No, not coke. Pepsi. Not orange juice. Pepsi. Like I said at the beginning, you can't make substitutions in this diet, and if you do, then it's different diet which may or may not work, but is not vouched for by Chris. Oh! Now, I'm not sure if Cherry Pepsi counts as Pepsi, but it probably does. And diet Pepsi? I don't think that really counts at all, but again, I am not a hundred percent sure.

Is Awesome?

Rule Number 3:
If the first two rules haven't scared you off already, the next rule is that you can eat whatever you feel like whenever you feel like.

Rule Number 4:
So many rules!! Don't you feel rather fenced in already? Or rather, do you feel so not fenced in that you feel that the diet can't possible work? In either case, rule #4 is the same, and is very important too: Only eat when you are hungry, and only eat until you are satisfied rather than until you are "full." When you are truly hungry is different from when you simply have an appetite or cravings, and with discernment, you can distinguish between those. Also, to be satisfied is to be content and no longer hungry. This is different from eating too much, and then feeling stuffed, full, or sated, which is what we Americans tend to do. So yeh, eat only when hungry, and only until satisfied.


Purple Chris says that it works for him. Seriously. That's what he says. He also says "Don't knock it 'til you've tried it!" So yeh, maybe there is some secret and hidden ingenuity in this plan that you have not been able to detect. Or perhaps you have detected why it's awesome. Or perhaps you are quite confident that it won't work for people other than Chris. Otherwise you might feel that it could work, but you are not confident enough to bet your own health and well-being on it. Perhaps you are right. But hey, don't knock it 'til you've tried it. And who knows? Maybe it works and is the awesomest diet ever?

*Note: I personally do not endorse above-mentioned diet. I am merely publicizing the idea. If you try it and bad consequences follow, I claim no responsibility.*


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