Monday, November 22, 2010

An Outline of the FACTS of Arminianism


Now, the acronym for Calvinism is fairly well known: TULIP. However, the acronym for the alternative doctrine is much less widely known. I will introduce the acronym briefly, and will also provide a link to a much longer statement of faith for those who are interested in understanding what the different points stand for. The protestant Christians who disagree with Calvinism generally follow Arminianism, which can be summarized and represented by the acronym FACTS:

Freed by Grace (to Believe)
Atonement for All
Conditional Election
Totally Total Depravity*
Security in Christ

*Standardly labeled "Total Depravity." I have labeled this point "Totally Total Depravity" to avoid any confusion (or purposeful misrepresentations) that Arminianism may be similar to the semi-pelagic view that man is not totally depraved.

See the full explanation HERE for further details.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I think I just found my calling!



Dancing With Fire

Seriously, tell me *this* does not look like fun! Actually, I don't think that the word "fun" does the activity justice. It goes way beyond "pleasant" and well into the range of "insanely awesome!"



Of course, the element of danger does play a definite role in the appeal of this activity, but you have to admit that it also involves quite a bit of mad skills, art, and the simple beauty of fire.


I think that everyone should take the time to cultivate a skill or two (other than the requisite "Super Smash Bros" skills, mind you), and you must admit - playing the piano has Nothing on this!




Note: This blog does not endorse playing with fire, except in legal venues.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Jesus Loves Some of the Children (A Calvinist Children's Song)


Jesus loves some of the children
Some of the children of the world
But even children are depraved
That is why they misbehave
Jesus loves some of the children of the world (1)

Jesus loves some of the children
Some of the children of the world
Every child deserves his wrath
But some he sets on heaven's path
Jesus loves some of the children of the world (2)

Jesus loves some of the children
Some of the children of the world
He died for some, yes that is true
But only those that he foreknew
Jesus loves some of the children of the world (3)

Jesus loves some of the children
Some of the children of the world
Those he calls will come to him
If your not called your future is grim
Jesus loves some of the children of the world (4)

Jesus loves some of the children
Some of the children of the world
Those he elects will persevere
But those he hates have much to fear
Jesus loves some of the children of the world (5)



Jesus loves some of the children
Some of the children of the world
All non-elect our Lord God hates
To burn in hell will be their fate
Jesus loves some of the children of the world (6)

Jesus loves some of the children
Some of the children of the world
Some will see the pearly gates
But the rest are reprobates
Jesus loves some of the children of the world (7)

Jesus loves some of the children
Some of the children of the world
Why only some? I'm glad you asked!
To display the glory of his wrath!
Jesus loves some of the children of the world (8)

Jesus loves some of the children
Some of the children of the world
Some he loves and some he hates
That's his choice, for he is great
Jesus loves some of the children of the world (9)

Jesus loves some of the children
Some of the children of the world
His sovereign will, who can resist?
Don't question God or he'll be [ticked]! (10)
Jesus loves some of the children of the world (11)


(1) Total Depravity
(2) Unconditional Election
(3) Limited Atonement
(4) Irrestible Grace
(5) Perseverance of the Saints
(6) Reprobation
(7) Double Predestination
(8) Calvinist interpretation of Romans 9:22-23
(9) God's sovereign choice and God's glory
(10) There is another word that fits quite nicely here, but I have omitted in order not to offend anyone's conscience. The word can be found in the following scripture passages: 1 Samuel 25:22, 34; 1 Kings 14:10; 16:11; 21:21; 2 Kings 9:8; 18:27; Isaiah 36:12 (KJV).
(11) Calvinist interpretation of Romans 9:14-21



Authored by Joshua Taylor, and reposted here!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

95 Theses

To my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, out of love for the truth and the desire to bring it to light, I have written here regarding the doctrines of Calvinism. I write only to glorify the name of the pure and holy triune God, who deserves all glory, honor, and praise both now and forever.

In the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.


1. The doctrines of Calvinism dishonor the pure and holy name of the Lord by teaching unbiblical concepts about His character, and thereby inadvertently portraying the Lord God Almighty as unloving, unjust, the inventor and instigator of all sin, in discordance with His own nature, and without full Sovereignty over creation.

2. The God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, referred to Himself as “I AM.” God is pure essence. The name Yahweh is based on a Hebrew name YHWH, which is a form of “to be.” It reflects the existentialism of God. Whoever He is, He is.

3. His every choice is sovereign, but sovereignty does not imply the freedom of God to go against His own nature, but rather implies the subjection of all creation to the decrees of God, which are always in accordance with His nature.

4. God is the Father of Lights, without variation or shadow of turning, and light emanates from a light source in every direction.

5. God consistently acts in accordance with his nature, not because he is under any obligation to any created being, but rather because it is who He is.

6. Nowhere in the Bible is found the teaching that God acts in exactly the same way toward all creatures, or even toward all men. However, it would be illogical and unbiblical to take this to mean that God is not the same Being and essence toward all.

7. Therefore, if God is a God of justice, He is just toward all. If God is wise, He is wise toward all. If God is all-powerful, He is all powerful toward all. If God is love(agape), He is love(agape) toward all.

8. Any doctrine which teaches that God is love only toward some, and not toward others, denies God's intrinsic nature.

9. God is absolutely Sovereign over all creation. This fact is seen clearly and referred to many times throughout the Bible. Yet nowhere does the Bible teach that this absolute Sovereignty involves micromanaging every aspect of creation.

10. The book of Corinthians teaches that a Christian can determine some choices in his heart, stand steadfast according to those, and make decisions, without any necessity, but rather in power and authority over his own will.

11. Those who have not been born again are slaves to sin, and those who have been regenerated are slaves of righteousness. Therefore, any free agency, or authority over ones own will does not imply freedom from slavery. An unregenerate person with free agency is one who can choose between one sin and a different one.

12. Therefore, though the will of man always be enslaved to one entity or another, the claim that no man can determine any of his own choices, or have authority and power over his will is without Biblical support.

13. Calvinism maintains that God could not possibly be sovereign, if His creatures have any authority over their own decisions. It may as well be asked whether a king can rightly be called king, if his kingdom has free agents as subjects.

14. In the earthly case, a subject can freely choose not to pay taxes, and the king, having more power, can choose to have the subject burned at the stake. Other subjects might then decide that although they want to avoid paying taxes, they also don't want to be burned to death, and therefore might freely choose to pay taxes.

15. If human kings can exercise power over their subjects, how much more is God, with His infinite tact and power, able to reign over His subjects without His reign being threatened by allowing them to have responsibility and authority over their own will.

16. God's Sovereignty, therefore, is not threatened by the choices of “free” creatures. While it takes little skill to orchestrate the activities of those whose minds are completely under your power, it takes much wisdom and strength for a Sovereign to reign completely over any number of free agents.

17. Calvinism denies the power and sovereignty of God, by teaching that He does not have the freedom to create, or to be Sovereign, over creatures who would be able to determine their own choices.

18. Let it said that God is under no obligation to give His creatures authority over their own will, but He is certainly free to do so if it pleases Him, while remaining in perfect Sovereign control over the universe.

19. Free agency in creatures only can exist if the Sovereign wants it to exist. Therefore, there is no tension between God's sovereignty and man's free agency, since man's free agency only exists, and is upheld, by God's decree, according to the good pleasure of His will.

20. Jehovah has the power to shuffle history. He chose the line of the Messiah; He chooses who your family is. No matter what man chooses, God's plans happen. The Lord is God, and nothing is too hard for Him. Though a man may mean an act for evil, yet God can work it for good, according to His foreknowledge and plans.

21. The Lord God sovereignly chooses where and when any of us are born. If God knew that Pontius Pilate would not have condemned Jesus to death, then there would have been no reason for God to allow Pontius to exist at that time in history, and in that position of authority.

22. We know that nothing happens without God's knowledge, whether in the past, present, or future. God, being timeless, is not only capable of knowing His own actions, but also is capable of seeing through time and knowing all actions and thoughts of any creature.

23. The doctrine of Calvinism that denies that God has this power of foreknowledge, but claims that He is limited to being able to know any detail of the future if, and only if, He Himself directly caused it is without logical or Biblical grounding.

24. It is based on this unscriptural principle that the claim is made: “God from all eternity did, by the most wise and holy counsel of his own will, freely and unchangeably ordain whatsoever comes to pass.”

25. This teaching denies the goodness and benevolence of God and invests him with all the attributes of sheer cruelty and maliciousness, insofar as it holds that he made the universe as it is, and, for his own pleasure and glory plunged it Himself into all the miseries, temporal and eternal, which it endures or is to endure.

26. These miseries cannot be the just punishments of sins, in the Biblical meaning of “justice,” for He causes the sins; and if he caused them and damns the universe for them, it renders the cruelty more revolting.

27. It will be said that God caused the action of sin, but that man is responsible for his evil motives. Yet if nothing can happen, save that it be foreordained and inspired by God, then God has irreversibly caused the wicked motive as well.

28. We know that God is the most righteous and holy of beings, who is too holy even too look upon sin. Every perfection is found in Him, and His character defined what is righteous and holy, of which the law is only a dim shadow.

29. The system of Calvinism denies God's righteousness by teaching that God is the sole, original, voluntary originator of sin, that he chose its existence when as yet it did not exist, and decreed it when, but for his decree, it never could have been, thus declaring that he preferred some sin to universal holiness--if, indeed, his own decree was his choice.

30. This insults the purity and holiness of God, making him not, indeed, the most holy, but the only unholy being in the universe, the cause and source of all impurity, in addition to being the cause of all creatures.

31. The doctrine makes God the mastermind and moving force behind the fall of man from innocence to that dreadful state of damnable depravity into which every child is now born.

32. Speaking now into the lives of believers, if nothing happens but by God's decree, then God must unchangeably degree every sin of every christian, clearly showing that He prefers that the elect should commit a great deal of sin after they are regenerated, rather than be holy.

33. The Holy Scripture gives believers the promise that God will not allow them to be tempted beyond what they are able, and with every temptation will also make the way of escape.

34. If this promise be true, along with the other verses, then the claim that God foreordained, secretly decreed, or otherwise inspired all sin, in such a way that no being could decide or act contrarily to, is scripturally unfounded.

35. The Lord God is also known as “the God who provides.” Just as He provided the ram for Abraham to make the sacrifice with, He also provided animals for the Israelites throughout the years to sacrifice, and provided the atonement of His own Son for sin once and for all.

36. God also provides supernatural strength when He gives a command, such as when He commanded Lazarus to come forth from the grave. The Lord, who is merciful, gives the command to all men everywhere, that they should repent. With the command, He, the God who provides, also provides a supernatural grace that they will be able to respond in repentance.

37. This undeserved grace was given freely and without reserve, through the conviction of the Holy Spirit upon the whole world, and through creation, clearly showing His invisible attributes, His eternal power and Godhead.

38. From the doctrine of original sin, we know that every child born into the world is born with a sinful nature, and is enslaved to sin. Thus, those who repent do so not because they are morally-neutral, or without an enslaved will, but solely because of the provision of God's unmerited grace.

39. Those who turn away from the grace of God, turning their back on Him, and committing blasphemy against the Holy Spirit are justly judged and finally condemned. Their damnation is just, for the wages of sin is eternal death.

40. Though God gives grace to all, He is Sovereign and unquestionable in His choice of who to have mercy on, and who to harden. God hardens the hearts of the wicked, and brings their destruction to pass in a way that glorifies Himself.

41. God is Lord of all creation, and Lord over all salvation. We cannot answer back to him and complain about who He has chosen to save.

42. Those who would deny that God has the ability and authority to justly grant undeserved salvation on a conditional basis deny God's absolute sovereignty, power, and wisdom.

43. Jesus Christ is the author and finisher of our salvation, and is the one who suffered a violent death for the sake of sinful man. If it pleases Him to give grace to everyone, we do not have the right to answer back to Him. Furthermore, does He not have the right to give undeserved salvation conditionally, in accordance to the good pleasure of His sovereign will?

44. Throughout the entire New Testament, salvation is shown to be both conditional upon faith, and also undeserved.

45. Grace given to believers is conditional, and yet undeserved. Believers rightfully deserve nothing good from God, and yet God grants grace to those who fulfill the condition of having humility.

46. When God chooses to save someone, even if He chooses in His good pleasure to only save those who meet His condition, it must be a work by His power, and His power alone. Man cannot save himself, nor can he assist in his own salvation somehow.

47. Those who deny God's freedom to grant salvation, based on His chosen condition that a person must have faith, on the basis that it would be a works-based-salvation deny the many Scriptures which teach clearly that faith is not a work.

48. Scripturally, a man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ. Those who are denied salvation are denied because they did not seek it by faith, but by the works of the law. Faith and works are not at all biblically equivalent.

49. Additionally, the teaching of Calvinism denies that God is able to give man enough grace that he could accept God's gift of salvation, and yet not so much that he cannot resist it.

50. This teaching denies God's complete power over creation, and proposes that God does not offer salvation to all, with only the proof that God did not have the choice to give man the grace to accept or resist His command to repent and believe.

51. Generally, the logic given to defend this view of God's impotence is that since the unregenerate man is dead in sin, he is completely unable to do any spiritual good, and cannot have faith until he is first made alive by regeneration.

52. Speaking from the perspective of logic, this view is inconsistent since if death implies inability, then moral death would imply inability to do moral good or moral evil, even as a dead man can neither walk to help someone, nor walk to go and hurt them.

53. However, the idea that death is primarily inability is a pagan concept which proceeds from mere observation of those who have physically died, without faith in any sort of afterlife.

54. According to the Word of God, death is not mainly inability, but separation. From human logic, it made seem obvious that a dead man cannot do anything, but the Scriptures show that a dead man is able to do many things in the afterlife, and it is only his old body which is thrown off like old clothes.

55. The initial death, spiritual death, was the separation of our spirits from God. Physical death is the separation of a person from this physical universe. The second, death is the final and eternal separation of a person from God.

56. Death does include inability, even as life includes inability. The rich man in Christ's story, though able to speak, was unable to go back and warn his brothers. In life, you cannot fly like a bird, and in death, you will not be able to beat God at a game of chess.

57. Therefore, God is perfectly powerful, and fully capable of granting grace to those on earth, in order to, if He pleases, allow His fallen creature to accept or else reject His gift of eternal life, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

58. The denial of God's power in giving grace, and Sovereignty over His choice of who to save results in doing further violence to His character, insomuch as it leads to the belief that God is not love toward all men.

59. We know from the Bible not only that God is loving, but that God is love. God neither owes love to men, nor owes salvation to men. Rather, His love is completely undeserved, is an intrinsic part of His holy character, and is displayed for His glory

60. The claim that Christ did not provide salvation for all of mankind denies the character of God, in that it denies the love of God.

61. Love that inspires no action is not true love, and therefore those who hold that God loves the non-elect, while simultaneously withholding grace that they could repent, hold to a contradiction.

62. If God had decided ahead of time not to die for, or give salvific grace to a person, is it not still love to allow them to live, experience the blessings of life, such as rain on the just and the unjust?

63. No, but rather every sin will magnify the torments of the damned. Now, why were they permitted to live to commit personal sins and thus increase their torments? Why? Not that they might repent; not that they might turn and live. This was eternally impossible. Why, then, were they permitted to live? For this--that they might have an opportunity to increase their damnation a million-fold.

64. They are called to return unto God, to repent, to believe in Christ, to a holy life--no one of which calls could they possibly obey. And yet, for not obeying, every time they refuse, their damnation is increased.

65. It could have been a mercy in God to have sent them to hell when they breathed their first sweet breath upon a mother's bosom.

66. And here let me ask, why shall Calvinists demur when we charge them with holding to infant damnation? The fact is, they hold to no other kind of damnation.

67. If Christ did not die for those who are damned, then they are not damned for unbelief. Otherwise, it must be said that they are damned for not believing a lie.

68. Our Lord Jesus Christ said “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. "

69. Then, especially, when drawing nigh the city, he wept over it and said, "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the one who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together... but you were not willing!”

70. Him in whose mouth was found no guile, Calvinism makes full of deceit void of common sincerity, in claiming that He calls those that cannot come--those whom he knows to be unable to come--those whom he can make able to come, but will not--how is it possible to describe greater insincerity?

71. This doctrine represents Him as mocking his helpless creatures by offering what he never intends to give. It describes Him as saying one thing and meaning another--as portraying a love which he had not.

72. Furthermore, the teaching that God does not give those He has destined for damnation the ability to repent, when He calls them to repentance, makes God a liar in His claim that He desires for all men to repent and be saved.

73. If God does not, in Spirit, in truth, or in action, love(agape) all men, then we as Christians are given contradictory commands throughout Scripture:

74. For righteousness is conforming to the character of Christ, and to be like Christ is to fulfill the law.

75. Love is the fulfillment of the law, and the Scripture calls us to imitate Christ, and therefore to love is to imitate Christ. If we do not love, we do not abide in Christ, but are in darkness until now.

76. We are all called to be holy as God is holy, and the law is summed up in two commands: Love God, and Love your neighbor as yourself.

77. Love your neighbor, imitate Christ, and be Holy as God is holy are three commands that must not contradict.

78. The teaching that God does not love the non-elect in Spirit, in truth, and in action puts these commands in contradiction to each other, and makes Christians have to choose between obeying the command to love, and the command to imitate Christ.

79. According to the Scripture, inspired by God, and penned by the Apostle John, God is love. This Scripture is not in contradiction with the Scriptures which state clearly that God hates all unrighteous, and hates the wicked themselves with a burning passion.

80. God hates the wicked enough to desire their eternal destruction, and yet loves them enough to desire that they repent, be reborn, and therefore be perfect and therefore without need of destruction.

81. Insomuch as we read in the Psalms that the Lord, who is holy, hates all those who do wrong, we also read that we were wicked, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents. Yet while we were sinners, Christ loved us enough to die for us so that we would no longer be wicked.

82. He was raised up, like the bronze serpent was raised up for the snake-bitten Israelites, to provide healing for all of them, but only to enact healing through those who looked upon it.

83. Similarly, though Christ died for every sinful man, woman, and child, thus providing salvation for all, through His infinitely precious blood, yet He procured and enacted salvation only toward the elect, which are those who believe. The atonement is universal in scope, and provisional in application.

84. Whoever believes on Christ is promised eternal life. But those who do not believe on Christ are condemned already. Therefore, salvation is not procured for or applied to the unbelievers.

85. However, nowhere in the Word of God is found the doctrine that Christ did not die to provide salvation for all. This teaching, in fact, is directly contrary to multitudes of express declarations of revelation and to the whole tenor of divine teaching.

86. It is contrary to those passages which teach that Christ died for all men, for every man, for the whole world; It is contrary to those Scriptures which contrast the death of Christ with the fall of Adam; It is contrary to those Scriptures which require all men to believe on and accept Christ; It is contrary to those Scriptures which represent the cause of the sinner's damnation as being his rejection of Christ and unbelief in him.

87. It is contrary to those Scriptures which teach that some for whom Christ died may perish. “And because of your knowledge shall the weak brother perish, for whom Christ died?” “There will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Lord who bought them.” “Do not destroy with your food the one for whom Christ died.”

88. It is contrary to those Scriptures which represent the Lord as not willing the destruction of sinners, but as regretting their folly and desiring them to turn and live; It is contrary to those Scriptures which represent God as a being of universal love; It is contrary to those Scriptures which represent him as impartial.

89. Righteousness and justice are the foundation of God's throne, but God's justice, in addition to love, is lost in the teachings of the doctrines of Calvinism.

90. In the New Testament, God commands all men everywhere to repent, and we are told that we shall not escape if we neglect so great a salvation. Yet if the reprobate are not able to believe, then they are required to perform an absolute impossibility.

91. If all the non-elect are inevitably and necessarily damned, then they are punished unavoidably--they are placed in circumstances where such damnation is the consequence of that over which they have not, and never did have, any control.

92. This teaching, along with the teaching that God causes each act of sin unavoidably, not only goes against Scriptural proclamation, but also goes against the sharp conviction given by the conscience of every man.

93. God requires of his subjects only conformity to himself--to his own moral excellencies---but he affirms of no obligation on himself to work impossibilities; and does he impose obligations on his subjects which he himself refuses to assume?

94. He does not regard it as an excellence in himself to work that which is impossible for Him; does He then command it as a virtue in his subjects? If indeed God does not work true impossibilities, then how can it be thought that He will require of his creatures that which He Himself cannot do?

95. The doctrine that man is held responsible for all sins which God causally determined that they do, and then the non-elect damned for not believing on Christ, which would be an impossibility for them, completely contradicts and undermines the system of responsibility, culpability, and justice, as set forward in the Word of God.






*Written mainly by Rebekah Reinagel, but includes integrated quotes from Dr. Beecher and R.S. Foster, taken from Foster's book "Objections to Calvinism: As it is."

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A Fiery Dilemma

Today it was plastered all over the internet news: A house burned to the ground while firefighters stood by and watched, because the residents had not paid their annual $75 fire-protection fee. You can read all the details here: Yahoo News Article. Just as food for thought, why is it that a house can be described as either "burning up" or "burning down" in the same set of circumstances?

Pictured above: A completely irrelevant house burning

Anyway, at first glance, it seems to be heartless of the firefighters to just stand by while a person's home goes up in flame. Especially considering the prices of homes and how many years and years of hard work it takes to buy one of those. On second thought, though, it seems clear that if all the community relies of how heartless it would be for the firefighters not to put out a fire on their house, even if they didn't pay dues, then none of them would feel inclined to pay. Whereas, if they realized that their own house *actually* burning down was a real risk, they would be lining up down the street to pay $75! Even to slap on a fine of $1,000 might not motivate people, because it's so much easier to imagine that you'll never need the insurance, and then if you hit the situation, you'll pay for it then. Americans do have the tendency to think that the world owes them, and therefore would be outraged when they don't receive a service which they had every chance to subscribe to, but choose not to.

In other words, letting the house burn to the ground was just, but it was not merciful. Strike the scoffer, and the simple will become wary. People will realize that safety is not magically guaranteed, and will take the deal more seriously. Rather than learning that they can get away with not paying, they will learn that justice does not bow to the American "you-owe-me" mentality, or popular vote (which would have gone in favor of putting out the fire.) So, I can readily understand and every support where the firefighters were coming from on that one.

But, you know me, I'm all heart. I would go with mercy. If the justice was about something horrible like killing, or even a habit like stealing, then I might justly let a person's house burn to the ground. But for a small amount of money? I would question the system, because deciding that the *only* way to make people pay dues was to show them that deliverance was not a right. You see, I like to show mercy, when it's at all feasible (but not when it would be inappropriate)

In some places, we still have volunteer firemen in this country, people who would put out fires for no money at all -- and surely that's loving. If I had been in charge, I could have put out the fire, and then pressed supervisors about how badly it would have gone if I hadn't, even though they hadn't paid, and propose to make it a mandatory fee (like car insurance.) The system may be better if you just slap people with a $1,000 fine if you have to put out a fire when they weren't "insured" like that. Alternatively, it could be better if those sort of things are covered in taxes, like they are where I live. I mean, of all the silly things our taxes dollars go to work on, fire protection easily ranks high.

So, I would have mercy on the poor people and save their house, and then re-think the system so that we could get the money we need/want, and people still don't end up having to beg and plead and cry while their house burns down before their eyes. Even if their proud lack of foresight justly deserves that disaster.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Half-Baked

I found myself with all of these half-baked ideas, and I realized that two halves make a whole, so I put them all together! And now, for your reading pleasure, are the great proverbs of wit and wisdom that never existed... until now!




Better a late bird than an early worm.

If it ain't broke, don't sweep it under the rug.

One man's smoke is another man's fire.

The early bird catches the cold.

Pen wise, sword foolish.

You can hold your horses, but you can't make them drink.

Those who live by the sword die by the pen.

A mouse by any other name still wants a cookie!

A fool and his cookie are soon parted.

If you can't beat 'em, get out of the kitchen.

Too many cooks can dish it out, but can't take it.

Don't count your chickens until the fat lady sings.

Where there's honey, there's vinegar.

A stitch in time is a penny earned.

Up a tree without a paddle.

What goes up a creek must come down.

Don't sweep the spilt milk under the rug!

Call a molehill a molehill.

Ruffle a few feathers the wrong way.

Many hands make the cookie crumble.

Don't judge a horse by it's saddle.

Look before you judge a book by it's cover.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Once Upon a Disneyland

A friend once asked me, “If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go?” I pondered the question thoughtfully, and then responded in all seriousness, “Disneyland.”

He laughed in a good natured way, because he knew that it was true. Even though I go to Disneyland every couple of months, whenever I find a chance or excuse to be there, it's special to me. Disneyland is my second home. Last year, in fact, I even made a huge gingerbread castle that was a model of the Sleeping Beauty Castle at Disneyland.

I spent this last weekend at Disneyland. It was pretty awesome. Wow – I just repeated myself there. In any case, I had a lot of fun. I had more fun that you will probably ever have when you go to Disneyland, but probably less fun than I've had at Disneyland before. It's a delicate balance. Thursday evening, I drove down to the Anaheim area, and arrived at about 3 a.m. After sleeping for just five hours, I woke up with my heart pounding, hopped out of bed, and headed to Disneyland to hang out with my best friend, JD. Well, that is, after getting ready, and enjoying the perfect breakfast: A warm, thick slice of Rye Sourdough toast, with delicious melted butter on top.

But I will not bore you with what actually happened, I will get straight to all my favorite stories. Err – which isn't to say that my favorite stories didn't actually happen, because they did. But, you know what I mean! Anyway... where to begin?

One thing that was special about this last weekend was that the park was newly decorated for Halloween. Space Mountain became “Ghost Galaxy,” and the Haunted Mansion was decorated in “Nightmare before Christmas” style:

“Twas the nightmare before Christmas

And all through the house

Not a creature was peaceful

Not even a mouse.”

In honor of Halloween terror, or perhaps because we were standing right next to the ride at one point, me and JD rode The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. It was Terrible! I mean Terrific! One activity that is always exceptionally fun is to pose for the picture on various rides. Many of the rides are equipped with cameras that take your picture, and it's endlessly amusing to think of different poses for that precise moment. For the Tower of Terror, me and JD did our best to look very happy, contented, and even downright relaxed. The picture turned out perfect! If there was no explanation that we were on the “Tower of Terror,” one might look at the picture, and think that we were just relaxing on a park bench (albeit an odd-looking, elevator-style park bench.) Actually, the reason that we were right next to that ride is that we wanted to get a fastpass for that ride, before heading (from Disneyland's California Adventure Park, DCA) over to Disneyland itself. I only mention that because we never actually ended up using those Tower of Terror fastpasses later at all...

But fastpasses are fun! Besides the obvious advantage that the passes allow you to get on rides quickly, when you could have been happily waiting in line for hours on end, they also give the holder a distinct feeling of empowerment. Even if you never actually end up using a fastpass, you always have the feeling that you could have, if you'd wanted to! Therefore, you might be willing to spend an extra 30 minutes going to get a fastpass, which will save you... 30 minutes of time standing in line. So this one time, I wanted to go get Space Mountain fastpasses (which were actually rather necessary, since the line was habitually over an hour long, due to the “Ghost” decore), but JD and Elizabeth, JD's sister, wanted to stay in DCA instead. So we struck a deal, and they rode a ride in DCA there, while I walked all the way out of the park, to Disneyland, to Tomorrowland, to Space Mountain, to get fastpasses for the three of us, and then walk back to Mainstreet, leaving Disneyland, and then into DCA again.

This was all after minimal sleep the night before, and so I was so exhausted after that trek that I sat down at a table in the shade, and promptly fell asleep before JD and his sister returned from California Screamin'. Was it all worth it? Yes! A hundred times, yes! For one thing, the nap was worth it, and allowed me to stay up 'til Midnight. For another thing, we all rode Space Mountain later, and it was epic! The flaming skeleton, which we named Mephistopheles by the way, chases people all around the ride, with its flaming hands which can extend seemingly indefinitely. For the pose of that ride, we knew where the Ghost would show up on the final picture, and then posed as if we could already see the Ghost and were reacting in sheer terror. Speaking of which, wouldn't it be freaky if people kept going into Space Mountain... and never coming back out? Then again, I guess Disney is prepared for that possibility, since I happen to know that there are approximately 10,000 body bags under Space Mountain. (That's actually true, by the way). That reminds me, though, a couple days later, I was looking through my purse, and found an old Space Mountain fastpass from July 7th, for 9:30 to 10:30 pm. I wondered if they would notice the discrepancy, and so on September 19th, between 9:30 and 10:30 pm, I got in the fastpass line – and sure enough! They let me right onto the ride!

Another ride that you won't want to miss is called “Astro Blaster,” and you get to compete with the person in the same car as you to shoot at moving and non-moving targets with an unreliable laser gun, from a moving vehicle. My cousin is a CHP officer, and he loves that ride!!! Hmm... that's kinda scary. In any case, you score points based on how many targets you hit, and how many points they are worth. Occasionally, the ride will stop for a few moments, because the Cast Members have to take extra time to help someone get on or off one of the spacecrafts, and while it may be annoying to be stopped while riding most rides, this is one ride where you secretly hope that it stops once in a while... right in front of a really valuable target. This time, it did. Twice. In front of the *most* point-worthy targets, and I just blasted the Disney Magic out of it.

As we were nearing the end of the ride, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that I was not gaining any more points, and so I complained to JD about that fact. After laughing at me, he proceeded to inform me that I wasn't gaining any points because I had already hit the maximum. !!! I looked at my score, and sure enough! Never before, and probably never again! I had 999,999 points! I quickly forgave the ride for refusing to give me more points, and instead invested my energy in trying to take a picture of the scoreboard before it vanished.

JD got more like 250,000. But in all fairness, I've had significantly more practice, and I usually take pleasure in p'wning whoever I'm with. The previous time I was on that ride, I was with a friend who was into weapons, swords in particular, and had been previously boasting about his intense sword-fighting skills. By the end of the ride, my score was over 3 times his score, and he seemed rather discontent about the whole situation, and so I gently reassured him that if it had been a sword fight, he would have beaten me. After a moment's reflection, he seemed happier and agreed that “Yeh, [he] totally could have killed me 100 times by now.”

What loyal friends I have....

Speaking of swords, though, there is an adorable Sword Shop in Fastasyland. Some people may not believe that the words “adorable” and “sword” go together, but swords can be so artistic and beautiful! There is even a pirate set with a skull and two swords, which can actually be taken off the display and used in case some breaks into your intricate, Disney-decorated house.

If you are reading this, and thinking that Disneyland is all about the awesome rides, then you are sadly, sadly, mistaken. Already I've mentioned the thrill of the fastpasses, the sleep-inducing tables, and the carefully crafted swords, but there is so much more to Disneyland than that. For instance, one activity that I always find amusing is stepping on and off the sidewalks. ( Go ahead and take a moment to laugh at how odd I am before continuing, if you must... ) You see, when I step off a sidewalk, I always use the wrong foot to step with. That is, if I am resting my weight on my left foot, and I reach the curb, I put my right foot forward, but then slide my left foot onto the ground before putting my right foot down. It's fun, but it takes practice. Similarly, when I step onto the sidewalk, I do not step up. I jump just a bit, and then put both of my feet down sequentially. Sure, it's unnecessary, but it's fun! For instance, have you ever tried being unhappy while skipping? It just doesn't work!

Now, I had come to Southern California to visit Disneyland, to visit all of Disneyland, and to visit nothing but Disneyland. But then, you see, I learned that one of my close friends in the area had two tickets for a concert, which he didn't plan to be using. Normally, I wouldn't give a second thought to it, but two of the bands playing were Disturbed and Avenged Sevenfold. So you see, since the man I love had at one point listed those two exact bands as two of his all-time favorites, I felt very motivated to go and see them, if for no other reason than to make him jealous. :) That is the flexibility of my Disneyland schedule. Some people have every moment of every day there set in stone, but not I. So JD and myself set off to find ourselves in a midst of a concert which couldn't be less Disney if it tried! It was certainly pretty interesting, and I did find it quite enjoyable, though I walked away with the distinct impression that the bands were darker and more obsessed with fire and death on stage than they had seemed on CD. Since I hadn't had a lot of foreknowledge about going to this event, I somehow missed having the important thought that I would have wanted to bring some sort of ear protection. As a result, my left ear was still ringing the day...

“Say, what ride do you want to go on?”

“Huh? Talk in Granny's good ear!”

One part of the trip that was particularly memorable was the part at which me and JD and Elizabeth all got the best Caramel Apples ever, and then enjoyed each delicious bite, while next to the lovely Rivers of America. This was memorable not only because it was ridiculously tasty (and even filling!) but because we weren't talking, while the three of us munched on the apples. We were all overly-hunger, and while happily consuming the newly-acquired food, it struck me that we hadn't had a moment of silence like that up to that point. Those were some *good* apples, though. I certainly plan to get another one the next time I visit. As we walked over to buy the apples, we ran into my good and dear best-friend who lives far away, Trina! No sooner had the words “Caramel Apple” left my mouth than she was giving me puppy-dog eyes to try to persuade me to get her one as well. Heh heh. That girl is like a little sister to me, and so of course, when we hung out the next day, I got her a caramel apple. For the sake of context, she often has so little money and gets so little to eat, that feeding her is one of the more rewarding experiences one can have.

Then again, she's good at being adorable and getting people to do things for her. Just like Hope, except more skilled. For instance, at one point the other day, I was hanging out with Trina, and the line for Haunted Mansion was about an hour long. She didn't have an hour to stay in the park, and she hadn't yet had a chance to see how it was decorated for the upcoming holidays... so she found some Cast Members she knew, and before I knew it, one of them had let us through the Fastpass line though we didn't have fastpasses!

But as many adventures that we had, while we were there, there were also adventures that we didn't have. I should definitely tell you about some of those as well. First of all, there was the game of invisible checkers that we never got to play. On Tom Sawyer Island, there is a table, and on that table, there is a painted Checkers/Chess board. At one point in the past, I was with a friend of mine, and while we did not have any game pieces, we did have Triscuits (a type of cracker). We used those as pieces for the game, and named it “Trisketiers.” The rule was: If you jumped the opponent's piece, you got to eat it! It was awfully fun. But this time, I didn't even have Triscuits. Therefore, I thought to myself that we should play checkers with no pieces whatsoever, and just try to keep track of where the pieces were. There were three of us, and so while two of us could play, the third could settle the inevitable disputes that would have come up, regarding where the pieces were, and how many were left. It was bound to be boundlessly amusing, but then by the time we got there, two other people were sitting at the table.

Oh well. We had to quickly abandon that idea, and content ourselves with running all about the Island, climbing on and over everything, and taking lots of fun pictures. It was a blast!!! A person isn't really allowed to climb on everything on Tom Sawyer Island, but it's mostly just for safety reasons. There's also a shipwrecked boat on the Island, which I named the U.S.S. Acosta after the friend who I played Trisketiers with, C. Daniel Acosta. While on the Island, me and JD and Elizabeth took many excellent pictures which prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that we had more fun than we actually did, and then we headed back for the mainland. On the way to Tom Sawyer Island, actually, JD had been causing trouble by flipping the sign around, so that it said that the Island was closed. Not surprisingly, people still came to Island. Surprisingly, when we got back, the sign *still* said that the Island was closed! No Cast Member had even noticed it! After the requisite bout of laughter (and maybe a couple extra ones), we conscientiously corrected the sign before heading off to other adventures.

Another adventure that we never had was visiting the fireplace. You see, after a long day, filled with more fun than you and grandmother can handle, the most enticing place in the whole world is this one spot with a huge, cozy, snug fireplace.

In front of the fireplace are perhaps a dozen comfy rocking chairs, and there is soft piano music playing in the background. There is nothing quite like it. Even if you were able to reconstruct the scene, you wouldn't enjoy as much if you were not quite so physically exhausted. And even if you were physically exhausted because of work, you would not enjoy it quite as much as you would after a long, exhausting day of fun at Disneyland. It's like... well, you know the feeling that you have in the morning when you wake up, and then you hit “snooze” and snuggle up with your blankets for another few minutes? It's like that cozy feeling, times ten! It's just a perfect feeling that you want to hold on to forever. Well, we didn't have a chance to enjoy that feeling because on Friday evening, we were at a Disturbed concert, and on Saturday evening, we were busy watching Fantasmic, and then World of Color. It was all good, though, because we had such an extraordinary amount of fun, and besides that, now we have adventures to have next time!

So you can see, many people don't bother to write about the adventures that they never had, but sometimes, that's the best part!!! You can why I never get bored of Disneyland, though – every time I leave, I have so many exciting plans, that at the end of the trip, I find that I simply must come back again to finish having all those adventures that I hadn't yet gotten around to having.

Now, when we did see Fantasmic, it was absolutely breathtaking. Except for one important detail. The Dragon – the main antagonist who sets the whole river on fire – was missing. :| Naturally, I did not miss the opportunity to tease my Arch-Rival (who is a Fantasmic lead) about the Dragon being gone. I hear that the Dragon, a couple weeks ago, was put in the hospital after Mickey zapped him so powerfully that he fell face-first... and couldn't get back up.

Epic victory on Mickey's part! Although I do have to mention that the Dragon was never particularly cooperative. When he first made his debut this year, he kept breaking because the Disney special effects crew couldn't handle him. Eventually, they just hired the people who built him to control him during the show. Obviously, the Dragon, in time, was too much even for them. Even so, we miss you, Fantasmic Dragon! Please come back!!!

Speaking of things being missing from Disneyland, JD and I wandered into Toontown at one point, and I was shocked and disappointed to see that Landmark 3 ½ (which had been dedicated on “some important day”) was gone. One word: Why??? Seriously. Why? What could Disney possibly gain by taking away Landmark 3 ½? For that matter, why did they take away “The Blank Sign?” All they have there now is, well, an actually blank sign. Not quite as funny.

But it was all good. I remember at one point, me and JD were standing in line for the Canoe ride, which is by far, one of my two favorite rides in the entire park (Elizabeth didn't want to do any hard physical labor on her vacation. I can't figure out why), and JD mentioned that he rarely gets to spend so much time with me – that it seemed odd, but in a good way. That made me think, because it didn't seem at all odd to me. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to be at my favorite place in the world, with one of my favorite people in the world. Not for one instant did anything in the world seem more “normal” to my mind. I leave Disneyland, and then come back months later, but as soon as I arrive, I feel as though I've never left. The canoes were tremendously fun, by the way. Not just tolerable, not just somewhat fun, but incredibly fun! It's small wonder that I hold the record of thirty times on that ride in a day. The canoe guide was very witty, and told the canoe jokes with skill and finesse. Even JD was very happy to hear those jokes (which I'd recited to him again and again) actually told in context. The guide, Ben, even told some canoe jokes that I'd never heard before. For instance, as we slowly glided by the Smoking Area that is right along the river, Ben called out to us “Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!” and then, turning his head to those smoking, “Smoke! Smoke! Smoke!” It was pretty hilarious, and even the smokers found it amusing. To be fair, though, that wasn't his best joke; that's just one that I'd never heard before, and will have to add to my list.

I took lots of interesting pictures of Disneyland. In fact, Disneyland is one of the few places where I ever take pictures at all, and I have one simple guideline: I don't want to take pictures that look like everyone else's pictures. “Here's me with the Castle.” “Here's me with Mickey Mouse.” “Here we are in front of a ride.” Boring! That might just be the best way to make the most exciting place on earth look simplistic and over-rated. However, I do love to take pictures. Luckily, JD and his sister had digital cameras with them, and I relied on those a great deal. Of course, I also brought a camera, but you see, I *hate* carrying things. When I go to Disneyland, I do not carry a backpack, or even a purse. If I have to carry it, I don't bring it. It's that simple. In this case, though, since I brought my camera and it didn't fit in any of my pockets, I simply carried it in one of my boots. Last time, I carried it in my pirate hat, but the trouble with that was that I would keep forgetting, and every time I would take my hat off, my camera would fall to the ground! I didn't like that much, but as hard as I tried, I never could keep in mind the fact that I was carrying a camera in my hat. (Similarly, my friend David teased me at the end of the day when I took off my boots, and my camera feel to the floor. Clearly, I also can't keep in mind that I'm carrying a camera in my boot)

Anyway, that kept things nice and interesting because we would be walking along, and every time I saw something that I really wanted to take a picture of, my friends would get to laugh at me as I hopped on one foot, while trying to get my camera out of my other boot. (Then again, it makes me wonder: Would Disneyland be quite as fun if I were not quite as odd?)

Well, looking back over all the stories I've told so far, I can see that I've already told quite enough, if not too many. Even so, I haven't even told you about all the excitement from this trip, and this has been just *one* trip. Imagine how much fun I've had on all the trips combined!!! And do I go back to Disneyland and do the same things again and again? For some things, yes, and it's familiar and awesome. In other ways, no; I have different stories to tell every time I return. There are about ten more favorite stories just from this most recent trip that I haven't the time to write about. Stories of contraband, and going on Winnie the Pooh again and again to relax at the end of a beautiful but mentally-tiring day; stories of accidentally creating status symbols, and my mental ponderings about whether or not it's worth it to have a conversation if you already know everything that's going to be said. There are a couple stories about various adventures having to with “15 minute parking” (would you believe “50 minute parking”?), and how trippy it is to go at high speeds on a ride where you can look backwards the whole time. All those stories will have to wait for another time, though. I had lots of fun. So much. In fact, I did things so risky that at one point, I hid my ID in my boot, for fear of getting caught and having my pass revoked. But the abundance of stories is something that never ceases to frustrate me at times, because, at the end of a really awesome day, I will have perhaps 10 pages of stories to write. But before I can raise my hand to write in my journal at night, I fall into a contented sleep. When I wake up, it's usually time to go back to Disneyland. I mean, who can sit around writing, when Disneyland awaits?

[Text on Sign: "This is a blank sign! Please do not pay attention to any printing you may see on this sign. We only wrote this to let you know that this is a blank sign. With nothing on it. Except this message."]

Anyway, I hope that you guys have *half* as much fun as I have! Because, you see, that would mean that I would be having twice as much fun as you... and you guys seem like you'd be having a great time!

Well, after all this, I've reached the end of this blog. And, as much humor as it has contained, I have just one last joke – for all you psychics out there: