Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Nice Guys Finish Last (Satire)


Sometimes people need to be put in their place, but it can be hard to know what to say when this situation comes up. For those of you who stumble when trying to know exactly how to prepare that next verbal strike, this guide will be a priceless companion. Alternatively, if you need to win a debate, and to that end want to make you opponent overly emotional, these tactics will help to push buttons they didn't know they had! You don't need to try all of the angles that I mention here, it's more a big basket of brainstorming and ideas that you can pick and choose from. After learning these techniques, people often find 4-5 that they really gravitate to, and mostly specialize in those ones when situations come up.


First, I'll give you the theories, for those of you who think in general terms. Then I'll also give you some specific lines that are proven to be generally effective; they range from the rhetorical to the personal. Don't expect to remember all of these, thought. It will probably take some practice to hone your skills, and even without that, you're probably already using one or two of these in your ordinary conflicts. Keep building on those skills, and you'll get there. If there are people in your life that you don't want to hurt, that's your call, and you can carefully avoid using these methods. But if you need to verbally hit someone where it hurts, then you'll want to do it right.


Best for close relationships:

For strong opinions:

Use one-line “Sniper” statements

Criticize, but invite no change and offer no opportunity for reconciliation

Use “Always” and “Never”

Withhold acceptance, affections, or appreciation.


Call their views bullshit (or other profanity)

Blatantly disrespect their opinions and attitudes

Exaggerate their claims

Tearing them down:

Preventing future improvement:

Use put-downs, belittle them

Send messages of incompetence or inadequacy.

Call them names

Attack their core identity


Be overly general when you criticize: offer no specific problem action, tone, or tactic – give no indication of how they could improve

Use negative future pacing

The heart of the matter:

The final twist:

Assume negative things about the persons motive or reasons

Call them a liar (this works especially well when they have a history of being honest)

Mock and Scorn

Use sarcasm in argument whenever you can

Say something negative and believable as a joke (and the best part is blaming them for feeling hurt by it)


A few favorites:

“Only someone who can't think for themselves would subscribe to that.”

“You're looking for excuses; that's all you're doing right now.”

“Thanks for illustrating, once more, the inability of [Insert name of their group here] to offer intelligent feedback.”

“You won't get another damn question from me ever again”

“You did this on purpose. Well played”

“You'll never change.”

“Sure. Everything you say is right. You never make any mistakes”


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