The Argument Clinic

Note: I found a couple other scripts for this part of the sketch, listed online, but they were not even close to being accurate word for word. Here is what I believe to be the most accurate transcription of the famous Monty Python Argument, from their sketch: The Argument Clinic.

Man: *Knocks*

Another man: Come in.

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?

A: I've told you once.

M: No you haven't.

A: Yes I have.

M: When?

A: Just now.

M: No you didn't.

A: Yes I did.

M: Didn't

A: I did!

M: Didn't!

A: I'm telling you I did!

M: You did not!!

A: Oh, I'm sorry - Is this a five minute argument

or the full half hour?

M: Oh, oh. Just the five minute one.

A: Fine. Thank you. Anyway, I did.

M: You most certainly did not.

A: Look, let's get one thing quite clear:

I most definitely told you.

M: You did not.

A: Yes I did.

M: You did not

A: Yes I did.

M: Didn't.

A: Yes I did.

M: Didn't.

A: Yes I did.

M: Look, this isn't an argument.

A: Yes it is.

M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.

A: No it isn't.

M: Yes it is!

A: It is not.

M: It is! You just contradicted me.

A: No I didn't.

M: Oh you did!!

A: No, no, no, no, no

M: You did - just then.

A: No, no, no – Nonsense!

M: Oh look, this is futile!

A: No it isn't.

M: I came here for a good argument.

A: No you didn't; you came here for an argument.

M: Well an argument is not the same as contradiction.

A: it Can be.

M: No it can't. An argument is a collected series of statements

to establish a definite proposition.

A: No it isn't.

M: Yes it is! It isn't just contradiction.

A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary

position.

M: But it isn't just saying 'No it isn't.'

A: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just

the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person

says.

A: No it isn't.

M: Yes it is!

A: Not at all.

M: Now look--

A: *Rings bell*

Thank you. Good Morning.

M: What?

A: That's it. Morning.

M: But I was just getting interested.

A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.

M: That was never five minutes just now!

A: Afraid it was.

M: No it wasn't.

A: Sorry; I'm not allowed to argue anymore.

M: What?!

A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

M: But that was never five minutes just now. (pause) Oh come on!

A: *Hums*

M: This is ridiculous.

A: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

M: Ah, all right. *pays money* There you are

A: Thank you.

M: Well?

A: Well what?

M: That was never five minutes just now.

A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

M: I just paid!

A: No you didn't.

M: I DID!

A: You didn't.

M: I DID!!

A: You didn't.

M: I DID!!!

M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.

A: Well I'm very sorry, but you never paid.

M: Aha. Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Got you!

A: No you haven't.

M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.

A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.

M: Oh I've had enough of this.

A: No you haven't.

M: Oh Shut up.

*Man leaves*